Remember that self-care is absolutely necessary and imperative. You can schedule 15 minutes into your day for you. Either get up before everyone else, use an app like Headspace for meditation, or listen to music at times throughout the day. This can be a time-out for you to take care of yourself and have something that brings you joy. Put it into your calendar or set a timer on your phone. Also, invest in something like takeout or pre-made meals and other short cuts that make your life easier. It’s all about helping yourself breathe a little easier.
Communicate with the people around you. Say something. Let them know when you need a break. Don’t suffer under a sense of obligation, because it shouldn’t all be on you. We need an army of people to handle a PCS! Shift to delegation in work and in life. Learn to share the burden, it is so vital to your own stress level, and it teaches your kid responsibility.
For a military spouse, delegation is asking for help. You have to let go and trust other people to take care of things. It does get easier as you practice it.
Yes, part of it is giving them their own timeout. You have to help them do things they enjoy like connecting with their friends to help them process. And you have to let them talk about their feelings. In kids, depression looks different from adults. It looks like irritability and anger. Reach out to a professional if they need someone to talk to. Help them process the loss and give them someone to talk to. Normally, staying up late to talk with friends or play a game together would be restricted, but you may have to loosen the rules or let them do things that typically aren’t allowed to help make things easier for them and for you.
It depends on the level you are seeing. If it is just sadness and crankiness after the move, it will probably wear off in a short amount of time. But anything lasting over a month or showing deeper signs of clinical depression is important to get help. Of course we have Tricare and their resources, but Military One Source also provides counselors for kids. MFLC (Military Family Life Consultants/ Counselors) on bases will help with mental health concerns. There are military crisis lines for 24/7 phone numbers, but if you see any signs of emergencies or suicide, go straight to the emergency room. Of course sometimes teens are irritable and not wanting to talk about things, but it’s important to let them know you are there to listen to them, and you are encouraging them to talk.
There are a lot of amazing resources on Military One Source and you can get free virtual sessions in the interim while you are looking for support for your family. Tricare will assign counselors but that can take time. If you get a “no” answer, just keep pushing until you get the care you need. Telehealth is also an expanded option these days, so if you can get care through virtual appointments, then keep that same remote counselor when you move to have improved continuity of care.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help–there’s always someone willing to listen. And don’t think you have to do things on your own! I know military spouses tend to think they have to handle everything alone, but you don’t, there are people who can help you!
Our Guest is Dr. Ingrid Herrera-Yee. I’m happy to support the work you do here at PCSgrades. I am an Army military spouse all the way (he’s been active duty, reserve, and National Guard, haha!), have 3 kids, and have been through 6 moves. I have been a clinical psychologist and researcher for 17 years, and the last 10 years working specifically with military families, suicide prevention, and access to mental health.