The 6 Things I Would Tell my Younger Military Spouse Self
by Rebecca Alwine - July 1st, 2022
Military spouses don’t really have time for regrets, we’re too busy moving to the next thing. But if you could write your younger military spouse self a letter, what would it say?
I’d probably tell myself things like don’t throw out the curtains, they may fit the next house. Or to actually throw out the stuff in the box you haven’t opened in three moves. But there are some great pieces of advice I’ve learned over the years that would have been beneficial – and maybe they will be to someone just starting out on this journey.
Start house hunting earlier
My younger self didn’t know much about permissive TDY for house hunting, or about getting help finding information about a new duty station. Social media wasn’t always the helpful tool it can be today.
The week my spouse came home with potential assignments, I’d start looking at the area for housing options. I’d be researching on base housing reviews, looking at schools, and figuring out commutes. When we knew “for sure” where we were going, I’d start talking to real estate agents and lenders. No more waiting until we arrive to find a home.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
Yes, it sounds so cliché, but it’s true. Especially when you add the second part, “And it's ALL Small Stuff.” Now, I am not saying a looming deployment is a small thing. It’s not. It’s HUGE and has the potential to be life-changing. But if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t waste my time worrying about those things I couldn’t control such as deployments or the unknowns associated with it. Easier said than done, I know.
Self-care is not selfish
With every military move, the first mission was to get the kids situated. I would find them a good school. Then, I would look for ways to allow them to continue their interests in scouts, sports or the arts. I figured the sooner I got them signed up for those extracurricular activities, the less they would miss the old duty station and the friends left behind.
And while this was true, I usually didn’t get around to finding friends of my own, joining a gym, book club, or Bunco group until much later. This often made for a very lonely first few months at the new duty station.
Stop comparing your life with the ones you see others living
Because we move around so much we tend to gravitate towards other military spouses. We are living this life together and have a lot in common that our family and civilian friends don’t always understand. The problem is that we sometimes fail to see behind the highlight reel social media gives us.
Comparing a move, a deployment experience, or even the ease with which one spouse finds employment isn’t helpful. Spouses are different, they have different goals and desires and different lifestyles. Some want a perfectly curated house, and some want kids running around all day. Some want to work, and some don’t. Some have lived in awesome places, and some haven’t. It’s what makes us stronger as a community.
Ask questions
Do you remember the first time you asked a question as a military spouse? Chances are you were nervous, thinking someone was going to laugh or think you weren’t trying very hard. By the next duty station, you moved past that and were on to “just the facts, please” whenever possible.
Questions are how we learn and if we look to other military spouses, we can learn a lot. Don’t hesitate to ask questions – unless it’s the 25th “where should I get my hair cut?” on the Facebook page. It’s far better to ask questions than to assume and get it wrong.
Share with others
When you look back on your time as a military spouse, you’ll see how much you learned, and probably a few things you could have avoided if you had asked questions earlier. Consider this when you meet younger spouses, they may be eager to hear what you wish you’d done differently.
One of the ways you can share or pay it forward is to leave a review on your housing options, the moving companies, and real estate agents you’ve worked with. In doing so, you’ll be helping the military spouses who follow you be more aware of their future surroundings and make the best decisions for their families.
Rebecca Alwine is an Army wife, mother of three and lover of her adorable pirate dog. Over the past 15 years, she’s discovered she enjoys coffee, lifting weights and most of the menial tasks of motherhood. Her days consist of working out in her garage gym, audiobooks and pretending to cook while her Instant Pot and Air Fryer do all the work. Her motto: work smarter, not harder.
